The New Han Adventures I: Life as a Spouse
by James McKenzie
Summary: Star Wars-oriented action/comedy from talented writer/director James Mckenzie. New York Times calls him "the new Salman Rushdie." What do you think?
1. CHAPTER ONE

Jabba the Hutt's assistant approached the green, swollen blob of a creature nervously.

"Master," he said, "for what would you like for your lunch to be?"

Jabba looked around and smiled sheepishly. "I would like for lunch... some Jedi meat."

Immediately, a squadron of Jabba's ships were launched into the reaches of space. The Jedis sensed what was wrong.

In another planet, Luke said, "I think we're on the dinner menu... literally, for lunch, to be eaten."

Han Solo stroked Luke's hair erotically. "Nothing to be concerned about, dear boy," he said gently.

Suddenly the roof of their trendy downtown apartment exploded and all of these soldiers starting shooting at them.

"Deflect!" cried Like, waving his lightsaber, causing the bullets to go back and kill all the soldiers in a massive McFlurry of blood.

"Quick Han, inside!"

Although Luke was clearly indicating toward the escape pod, Han thrust his enormous cock into Luke's arse.

"Cheeky, cheeky," said Luke.

Han Solo grinned sheepishly and the two flew away, "attached" in more way than one and "fucking violently" in only one way but in a fairly explicit fashion.

They arrived at a new unexplored planet.

They looked around. All the people were strange. They bought a drink from a cantina and looked at the label. It was....DIET COKE.

It was earth! 


	2. CHAPTER TWO

Han Solo and Like Skywalker were fucking violently when someone said, "don't you know that around here, homosexual is a bit of a hot topic, especially in public!"

Luke said, "I guess you could say we're not from around here. I guess you could say we're from another planet entirely, and we're literally aliens.

The man extended his hand, "Donnie Wahlberg," he said politely.

Han wiped the come off his palm with his jeans and shook hands with him.

"Wait..." said Luke, "Donnie Wahlberg... from the Saw franchise?"

Harrison Ford and Donnie Wahlberg looked at him quizzically.

"I sometimes watch Earth TV."

Donnie smiled charmingly. "That was hard work, that movie," he said, lifting up his shirt, revealing exposed organs.

"It never quite healed," he explained.

At Donnie's apartment they chilled to Tori Amos and it become a wild gay orgy and Bruce Willis was invited. Suddenly Carrie Fisher showed up.

The three, naked as troopers, looked at each other awkwardly.

"Uh, did I tell you about my roommate," Donnie said, gesturing toward Leia.

Luke quickly dressed and said, "Leia, I love you," and kissed her passionately, "I don't care if you are my sister."

"Worse," said Leia, dropping her pants, "your brother!" It was a huge, throbbing erection! 


	3. CHAPTER THREE

They went back to the planet they were on before, taking Donnie with them. They had "space" drinks together. Within hours Darth Vader was "space" drunk and drunkenly mumbled, "Luke, I'm your fakken father," and Luke said, "you cunt!" and punched him, starting a huge "space" barfight.

Darth Vader went back to the Vader Star and assembled his minions in order from tallest to shortest.

"Well that was fun," he said, "now back to work with you."

Darth Vader's wife, Scarlett Johansson, tried to give him a relaxing shoulder massage but gave up, realising she was just massaging plastic.

"I know what will cheer you up," said Scarlett, and she tore off her clothes.

"Awoooooogah!" said Darth Vader, as his eyes popped like eight feet out of his head.

A team of medics quickly rushed to assist him.

Back on Luke's planet, he and Leia fucked each other square in the arse.

Han Solo opened the door and said "high sources of protein include nuts, wholegrain bread, avocado and - oh oops, sorry to interrupt!"

Luke and Leia were so taken off guard Luke accidentally came all over her face and some it went down her throat causing her to gag a little.

Now out of the mood, Luke and Leia got dressed.

Suddenly, the lights went out.

Looking at the unpaid bills on the table, Han Solo said, "fuck, I knew this would happen."

THE END...???? 


End file.
